Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish
by Kohana Kurama
Summary: Tobi looks at Kisame and asks "Kisame will you butter my muffin?" Velveeta cheese is dangerous. Deidara sings pop and rap music. The Akatsuki at their best. Rated for coarse language
1. Leader's Rules

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything Naruto related except a Collector's magazine, a poster, and a bear that I affectionately call Mr. Itachi. I do own one seriously short circuited brain...

**Author's Note:** Most of the stories for this will go here. If I decide that a particular story would be better as a short story then I will post it as such with the title "Akatsuki Fun: (Title of the Story)" so that you'll know that it still follows this story. Also, there will be stories that I post here exclusively and some that will be posted only on my Quizilla account. Make sure you check out both to stay up-to-date with your favorite guys!

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**Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish**

For those who do not know, I am the Akatsuki's assistant. My main job is to keep these "villains" in line and keep the house in order at all times. This is way easier said than done. Leader has given us all a list of rules to follow.

_1.) No member is permitted at any time to kill another member. This includes, but is not limited to, cannibalism, the use of explosives, killer genjutsus such as Tsukuyomi, killer puppets, using any swords or scythes, and/or anything else that would result in the "Good Boy's" death. Or any other member for that matter. (Designed to protect Tobi.)_

_2.) No member is allowed to assign him/herself a mission without permission from the Leader. It is a waste of time to go on a search and rescue mission should you get lost._

_3.) No one is to touch Itachi's hair or hair products he uses on his hair. Period. It is to always stay raven black._

_4.) No one is to touch Deidara's hair or hair products he uses on his hair. Period. It is to always stay butter yellow._

_5.) After 12 a__m__ (midnight) only one member to a bedroom. (anti-procreation) Leader doesn't want to be an uncle._

_6.) No training within the headquarters--Leader wants his deposit back._

_7.) No one is allowed to bring home strays. This includes all animals and humans._

_8.) No one is allowed to bring home potential members. They must be cleared by the Leader first._

_9.) If you eat or drink the last of an item, replace it. Leader doens't want to hear Kazuku's mouth about having to go buy groceries again._

_10.) Keep all areas tidy. Leader is __**very**__ picky._

_11.) No one cares about your problems so there shall be no whining, gossiping, complaining or any variation of these three when he is present._

Leader has decided that since he will need more followers to help make his plan work (and that the "villains" he's working with now are slowly losing their minds), he created an Akatsuki ANBU who will specifically go out to complete missions and other tasks for him. On the other hand...the old members will be allowed to rest and catch up on their lives. New sub-ordinates will be accepted. Fan girls will find them. Itachi and Tobi will have medication problems...With the Akatsuki, the fun never ends.

Although Itachi wants it to...badly.


	2. Help Needed

**The Need for an Assistant**

Itachi sat quietly on the couch and watched one of his favorite movies "Mortal Kombat". Kisame was out in the back yard wading in the pool while Sasori tanned on the side. Kazuku had locked himself in his room and was counting out money he had made from secretly selling some of Sasori's puppets to a theater. Of course, they would get one hell of a surprise should one start spitting poisoned needles but that wasn't his problem. Hidan had locked himself in his room as well...meditating on the floor. Little Tobi was wandering around the house going from room to room looking for his buddy, Deidara.

"DEIDARAAAA-CHAAAAN!!" Tobi shouted at the top of his lungs.

Deidara poked his head out of the bathroom. "What the hell do you want now?!" Despite the fact that Tobi was convinced that Deidara was actually a _she_, Deidara had no choice but to tolerate the good idiot...rules prevented him from killing him anyhow.

Tobi flew into the bathroom and pinned the blonde to the floor in a tight embrace. "Tobi found you!"

Deidara rolled his eyes and shoved the masked boy off of him. "Please go do something that like doesn't involve me, yeah."

"Like what?" Tobi tilted his head to the side.

Deidara thought hard. Well, it had been a while since he had something horrible to that red-eyed jerk...His eyes narrowed as a Grinch-like grin crosses his face. "I know what you can do for your bestest best friend in the whole wide world, yeah."

The one eye visible sparkled with hope. "Yes?"

"Go fix Itachi's shampoo for me." Deidara did his best to keep a straight face.

"Fix his shampoo? What does that have to do with you?"

Deidara shrugged. "Well, if you're gonna ask questions then I'll like go find _another_ best friend to do it. Maybe even _Sasori_ will do it, yeah."

For some odd reason, Tobi was convinced that Sasori was trying to take his place as Deidara's best friend. Panic shot through him and he quickly began shaking his head and hands. "N-no Deidara! I'll do it. Just tell me how."

Deidara tapped his chin while thinking. It was Thursday. _'Tonight, Itachi will wash his hair...'_ His eyes widened as an idea hit him. He wrapped an arm around Tobi's shoulders and pulled him close, whispering in his ear. Tobi's eye widened then narrowed as he giggled.

"But Deidara-chan, isn't that a mean thing to do?" Tobi looked at him.

"Like I said, if you're going to question--"

"No! I'll do it!" Tobi jumped up and snuck down the hall to Itachi's bedroom. Just like Deidara had said, there was a bottle of Herbal Essences apple scented shampoo plus conditioner sitting on his dresser. Tobi snatched up the bottle and ran to the laundry room.

Deidara heard the idiot run down the hall and took that as his cue to go the living room. Itachi was still in that same spot, staring at the screen as if he hadn't seen the movie before and that this wasn't his 37th time watching it.

"Hey Itachi." Deidara plopped down on the couch beside him. Itachi ignored him, biting the inside of his lip. Deidara turned to the TV and sighed. "You are like no fun at all, yeah."

Itachi cut his eyes at the blonde. "I'd rather not be 'fun' than to look like a damned girl."

Deidara's eyes widened with anger but he quickly checked it. "I bet you think I'm hot, don't you?"

Itachi returned his gaze to the screen. "No."

Deidara smiled. "Yes you do. I bet you'd love to make out with me, yeah."

Itachi shifted uncomfortably. His kunai holster was digging into his thigh. However, Deidara thought this simple motion meant something else.

"Ah, so you would." The blonde tossed his head back and laughed.

"Deidara, I wouldn't make out with you if you were the last living organism on this planet."

Deidara pouted. "Why not?"

Itachi finally turned his head to face him. "Because," he lowered his voice to a lethal whisper, "_I don't like boys._ I refused to make out with Orochimaru and I _refuse_ to make out with you."

Deidara flipped his hair over his shoulder. "You're just mad because I'm hotter than you, yeah." He stood, walked around the couch, and stood behind Itachi. "It's okay Itachi. I know you want me."

Itachi counted slowly from ten to one in his head while gripping a kunai in his hand. _'Leader will be mad if I kill the '_special_' one...must...not...kill...him...'_

When Itachi didn't answer, Deidara spun on his heel and went back to his room. As planned, Tobi was standing there and when Deidara entered the room, the masked boy saluted him.

"Did you do like I told you to?" Deidara looked at him intensely. Tobi nodded and Deidara clapped. "Good. Now go to your room and play with your blocks."

"Okay DeiDei-chan!" He shouted then ran out the room. Deidara smiled as he went back to the bathroom and continued to brush his hair.

"Shit." He forgot how many strokes he had done...

--

Itachi woke up the next morning feeling a lot better. He stretched and yawned, rubbing the sleep crumbs from his eyes. He slide out of bed and put on his blue bunny slippers. He reached up to scratch his head only to feel the blue bunny sleeping cap was still on his head. He shuffled down the hall to the bathroom needing to pee. While he was washing his hands, he happened to look up and what he saw made his skin turn whiter than the paint on the walls.

"What the hell?" He snatched off the cap and ran a hand through his hair. He leaned closer to the mirror and examined his tresses. When he realized that he was indeed awake and that it wasn't a dream, he let out an eerie high pitched scream that would put any six year old girl scout to shame.

The other members in the house all woke to the sound that vaguely reminded them of a loud high-pitched whistle. Kisame and Hidan both shot up like zombies and stared at the wall in front of their beds. Since the bathroom was right next to his room, Sasori was scared shitless and fell out of his bed, hitting the floor with a loud hallow thud. Tobi, who had already been up watching Dora the Explorer in the living room, fell off his mountain of pillows. Kazuku rolled over and mumbled, but didn't wake up. Deidara woke slowly and smiled.

"Take that, Mr. Wise Ass, yeah." He held his pillow tighter.

Itachi continued to scream, stopping only to take another deep breath and continue screaming.

"What the hell is your problem?" Sasori stood in the doorway with his eyes closed, supremely pissed that he had been woken up this way.

"WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM?! DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT?! MY HAIR IS FUCKING WHITE!" At this, Sasori's eyes shot open and he looked at the man in front of him. His jaw dropped in disbelief as he stared at, what was normally a silky raven black color, hair that was ghostly white, devoid of any pigment at all. "MY HAIR IS WHITE! _WHITE! _SOME SICK FUCK DYED MY FUCKING HAIR _WHITE_! WHEN I FIND OUT WHO DID IT, I WILL TORTURE THEIR ASS FOR THE REST OF THEIR PATHETIC WORTHLESS LIFE!"

Sasori was still speechless.

Kisame wandered in to investigate what could possibly have made Itachi go off this early in the morning. As with Sasori, when he saw the white haired Uchiha losing his mind in front of the mirror, he became speechless.

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND STARE AT ME! _DO SOMETHING_!" Itachi literally shrieked. Sasori and Kisame bumped into each other trying to get out of the bathroom and find some sort of solution to keep the man from losing his mind altogether and attacking them all with his Tsukuyomi.

Itachi was still staring at his hair, tears falling down as his cheeks as he held a clump of his white hair in his hands. "My hair..." He sobbed quietly. This was an ultra low blow. Itachi prided himself on his looks, especially his hair.

Tobi peeked into the bathroom. "Um, Itachi?"

"What Tobi?" Itachi spoke hoarsely, almost having lost his voice from screaming and shouting. However, this did not take away the malice in his tone.

"Um..." Tobi looked down at the floor and began playing with his hands nervously.

"Spit. It. Out." Itachi turned to him, eyes flashing red.

"Tobi did it." The boy whispered.

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Itachi's hand enclosed around Tobi's throat. Itachi started shaking and strangling the poor "good" boy. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"

"Deidara...told...me...to...put...bleach...in...your...shampoo..." Tobi gagged, trying desperately to breathe. Itachi immediately let him go when two words registered in his mind: Deidara and bleach.

Itachi's eye twitched then he looked back at the mirror. "I have bleach in my hair?" He knew that unless he cut his hair off and grew it back from scratch...it would forever be this color. He could dye it back...but then he would be a fake brunette. "Deidara..." He growled. He would make that little blonde bitch pay _dearly._

--

Deidara woke the following morning to the smell of bacon. _'Sasori and Hidan must be cooking breakfast.'_ He crawled out of bed and looked at the time. 11:47 a.m. He never overslept this badly before. He shuffled downstairs to the kitchen to see if there really was food waiting. Everyone was in the kitchen, including Leader and Konan, who were inspecting Itachi's white hair.

"Seriously, it's not that bad a look, Itachi." Hidan pointed out while flipping pancakes. Sasori stifled a good laugh while he flipped the bacon strips over.

"SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP." Itachi responded angrily. His gaze wandered over to Deidara who was now standing in the kitchen and his jaw dropped. Never having seen Itachi with this terrified expression, Leader and Konan turned to see what he was looking at.

"Oh..." Leader's eyes popped out of their sockets.

"My..." Konan covered her mouth.

"Jashin!" Hidan yelled and pointed at Deidara.

Deidara looked at them with a puzzled look. "Do I like have something on my face, yeah?"

"You wish it were that simple." Sasori commented after dropping the fork he was using to cook with. Deidara flew to the nearest drawer and yanked out a huge silver mixing spoon. He turned it away from him and used it as a mirror. To his absolute horror, his hair was no longer its natural butter yellow that all of his fan girls loved. Instead, it looked like a vivid king-sized bag of Skittles. His roots were now fire engine red which faded into tangerine orange, then lemon yellow, lime green, electric blue, and the tips were shocking purple.

"Well, I guess we know that _someone_," Kisame looked at Itachi accusingly, "got his revenge."

Deidara let out a shrill scream then passed out, twitching occasionally.

Leader frowned angrily and looked around at each of the present members. "I swear you all are idiots."

Tobi looked at his blueberry muffin then over at Kisame who was eating his own muffin while reading a newspaper. The butter was on the other side of Kisame. Tobi knew he could interrupt Kisame and ask him to pass him the butter and the knife so that he could butter his muffin himself...but that would be so troublesome. Tobi's face lit up with a joyful smile as he realized something. He could just _ask_ Kisame to butter his muffin for him!

"Kisame?" Tobi tapped the blue man's shoulder. Kisame looked down at Tobi.

"What?" Kisame's voice was deep, in a very romantic way. Why Tobi noticed this, he didn't know.

"Kisame, can you butter my muffin?" Tobi held up his muffin for Kisame to see. Kisame's eye twitched upon hearing the bizarre request. He looked over to his right to see the butter tray and knife sitting there, and then sighed with annoyance. He yanked the muffin out of Tobi's hand and quickly buttered it, ignoring Kakuzu's howls of laughter.

"Dude, you buttered his muffin! That is sooo gay!" Kazuku had to put his head down on the table to try to calm himself down.

Deidara groaned and sat up, holding the back of his head. "My fucking head hurts like really bad, yeah."

Sasori sighed, "As hard as you hit the floor, I would suspect it would."

Deidara looked down at the bright colored hair that covered his shoulder and yelled in horror. "OH MY GOD, YEAH! MY HAIR IS LIKE SIX DIFFERENT COLORS, YEAH!"

Leader and Konan redirected their attention from the white haired one to the rainbow colored one. Deidara jumped up and threw his head into the sink. He turned on the water and immediately began trying to rinse it out. Itachi folded his arms across his chest and smirked.

"That's permanent hair color. It's not coming out."

At this, Deidara turned off the water and looked at Itachi. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT COMING OUT?!"

Itachi narrowed his eyes and spoke evenly, voice full of hate. "What part of 'permanent' did you miss?"

Sasori used his chakra strings to keep Deidara from jumping onto Itachi in a blind rage. Leader watched as the former blonde screamed all sorts of insults and expletives at the former raven-haired man, then let his head hang.

"And yet we have the nerve call ourselves evil." He mumbled.

Kazuku by then had finally calmed down and looked up at the man. "We _are_ evil. The two most self-centered men in this organization were seen crying within the last 48 hours. One of them looks like Gandalf the White and the other looks like he's seen, tasted, even _slept_ with the rainbow!" Of course, this resulted another round of laughter from him, with Kisame joining in. Itachi turned and tried to jump over the table to get to him so Hidan had to hold him back while Sasori had to reinforce his chakra to keep Deidara from breaking free.

"Listen up!" Leader barked and all the men snapped to attention. He sighed and rubbed his forehead trying to fight the coming headache. "Because you all have apparently gone diving off the deep end, I'm hiring an assistant to help keep you all in order."

Hidan frowned. "Why in the hell do we need a damned baby-sitter?!"

Leader cut his eyes at him and Hidan shrunk in his seat. "Because without one, you all may very well kill each other. I cannot have that happening if my plan is to succeed. I've found one that fits the requirements of what you all need. I've made contact with her and she will be here in an hour. I ask that you _please_ try to act like you have some sense. If not...I will punch you in your damned stomach. Got that?"

They all nodded quickly. When Leader and Konan had finally left, they all exhaled.

Deidara cut his eyes at Itachi. "Old man."

Itachi cut his eyes at Deidara. "Skittlehead."

"Grandpa Itachi."

Itachi's eyes widened with anger. "Fruity Pebbles."

Sasori shut his eyes tightly. "FOR GOD SAKES, SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!"

--

Kohana knocked on the door three times and waited. As she waited, she looked around. Who knew that an evil organization was stationed what she considered to be the suburbs? The door flung open and a plant looked back at her. She leaned back a bit.

"I'm here in regards to an application I filled out to be the assistant." Her face was expressionless and the smile she wore was irritatingly fake. Zetsu stepped back and let the girl in. She was about 5'5" with auburn colored hair that had a noticeable red tint to it. Her eyes were black and almost as expressionless as Itachi's.

"Sit down. Our leader will be down shortly." Zetsu grunted. Minutes later all of the guys minus Konan came pouring into the living room. Leader sat down on the couch and Tobi sat down next to him; everyone else crowded around the couch.

"Your name?" Leader demanded.

"Kohana."

"Age?"

"19."

"Do you think you can handle these guys? They are a hand full." He motioned to the crowd. She only nodded. "What makes you think you can handle them?"

"I am a woman. It's impossible to be unable to handle a man."

Deidara nodded. The only reason he had agreed to come down was if he could wear his night cap to cover his hair. Itachi agreed to the same conditions. "She has a point."

Leader ignored Deidara's comment. "Fine. Then you're hired. You will have a 24 hour trial period. If you can last one day with them, you will earn the title of Akatsuki Assistant and will get your own cloak."

Kohana nodded. Leader left leaving Tobi to dive on her and hug her. Itachi and Deidara approached her, both wearing the most serious faces they'd ever worn. "Yes?"

They both snatched off their caps. Her eyes widened with surprise yet she didn't laugh. She looked at Deidara then at Itachi and frowned. "I thought all the Uchiha members were dead except two _young_ brothers? I wasn't aware that an elder from the family was alive."

Itachi resisted the urge to choke and kill her.

Deidara bent down so he could look her in the eye. "Can you fix this, yeah? It's been dyed with permanent hair color."

"My hair used to be _black_...until _someone_ talked _someone else_ into putting _bleach_ in my damned _shampoo._" Itachi muttered, eyes turning a deeper shade of red every time he emphasized a word. Kohana reached out and gathered some of Deidara's hair into her hand and examined it. After a minute or two, she finally spoke.

"I know a vinegar mayonnaise mix that will get that out." She spoke softly. Deidara smiled and hugged her tightly then ran to the kitchen to see if they had that. Itachi stepped forward. He refused to bend down to her so she had to stand up to get a better look. It was very intimidating to have someone like Itachi looking down at her so intensely as she examined the damage.

"You could always just dye it--"

"NO!"

She jumped slightly. Never had she seen someone so touchy about their hair of all things. "Well...I'm not sure this is able to be salvaged. The color is completely gone..." Itachi's eyes narrowed. "I can only think of one other solution but the chances of it working are very slim.

"Fine." Itachi nodded once and went into the kitchen as well. Kohana sighed. She hadn't been here five minutes and already had a crisis.


	3. Drive Me Crazy

**Disclaimer**: Nothing is owned by me…I don't anything. And please do not try any of the "tips" provided…I just made them up and I'd hate to hear that you've gone bald listening to me.

--

**Drive Me Crazy**

Tobi peeked around the corner then crawled into the kitchen. He was not only a good boy, but he was a sneaky boy. It was nearly two in the morning but he was hungry! When he made it safely into the kitchen, he stood quickly and pressed himself up against the wall, eye darting around quickly to see if he had been spotted. Sure everyone else was in bed and of course no one cared whether or not he ate at two in the morning...but he liked to pretended they weren't in bed and that they did care. In fact, Tobi's mind, Leader had sent him on a food retrieval mission. This was his chance to prove that he did belong in the Akatsuki!

He looked around the dark kitchen, searching for something worthy to sneak back up to his room with. It was just his luck that a bag of Lays' Sour Cream and Onion potato chips was conveniently sitting on the kitchen island. _Oh boy!_

Tobi picked up the bag and eyed it. It wasn't marked so no one could claim it. The bag crinkled loudly as he opened it. He pushed his mask up onto his head and popped a chip into his mouth. "Mmm!" Mission accomplished.

--

Deidara chewed on his pillow as his stomach quietly growled with hunger. In his dream, the burger he was eating was tasteless. His bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips ran away from him every time he got close enough to grab it. Finally he sat up and stared at his bedroom door.

"Shit...I'm hungry...un." He mumbled and slipped out of bed slowly. He slipped his yellow duck slippers on his feet and slowly made his way to the kitchen.

--

Tobi knew that he should have went straight back to his room instead of stopping but..._the chips were so good!_ Even though it was a family sized bag, Tobi had already made it near the bottom of the bag. He was full now. All he needed was a drink and--

The light flicked on. "...Tobi?"

Tobi turned around to face Deidara. Even half asleep with hair saluting all directions, Deidara-chan was a pretty girl. "Hi sempai."

Deidara blinked several times to adjust to the brightness of the light and continued forward. Tobi tossed another handful of chips into his mouth as he watched Deidara wander around the kitchen. "Where are my chips...?"

Tobi shrugged. "I dunno. What did they look like Deidara-chan?"

Deidara closed his eyes and rubbed them. "Family sized Sour Cream and Onion. I had Kohana go to the store and pick them up for me, yeah. I didn't get the chance to mark them as mine since me and Itachi were arguing..."

Tobi, oblivious to what this ultimately meant, nodded then tilted the whole bag up to empty the contents into his mouth. "I hope you find them sempai."

Deidara continued to rummage through the pantry. Tobi got up and put the bag in the trash. Deidara heard the distinct crinkle and whirled around to see part of the blue and white bag peeking out of the trash can. He pounced on the trash can and yanked the lid up. Tobi saw the sleepy look on Deidara's face slowly disappear and be replaced with rage.

Deidara turned to him. "You ate my chips?"

Tobi shrugged. "They weren't your chips. Those weren't marked and Kohana said that anything not marked it free for anyone to take."

Deidara clenched his fists tightly at his sides and glared at the boy. "Did you _not_ just hear me say that I didn't get the chance to put my fucking name on it yeah?!"

Tobi scratched his head and pulled his mask back down over his face. "You once said to me, 'you snooze, you lose.'...You lose!"

Deidara's face slowly turned apple red with fury. Tobi immediately sensed Deidara's rage, which Tobi found to be as equally as dangerous as Itachi's, and backed away. Deidara took a step forward.

"N-now Deidara. I can always go buy you a new bag of chips." Tobi offered. His back hit the wall and he all but panicked. "DON'T KILL MEEEE!!"

--

The house shook so hard that Kohana, who had been sleeping on the edge of her bed, was thrown onto the hard floor. She had only been able to fall asleep hours earlier after having returned from the store with chips that Deidara had requested and then finishing their laundry. Her covers fell off of the bed and onto her. "Mmm." She smiled sleepily and wrapped the cover around her, slowly drifting off back to sleep.

_BOOM!_

The house shook again, this time knocking her kunai holster off of her nightstand and a kunai landed less than an inch from her head. Her eyebrows twitched as if an expression was going to form on her face. She sat up and looked around then stood.

"Who could possibly be up…?" She grumbled and muttered obscenities. She found Deidara strangling Tobi on the kitchen table as Tobi flailed uselessly.

"Kohana-sempai!!" Tobi choked out while trying to push Deidara off of him. As much as Tobi thought Deidara was attractive...he didn't like being so close to her when she was so pissy. Kohana rubbed her eyes and looked at Deidara.

"Deidara…please. Can't this wait until morning? My brain functions so much better then…" She muttered and leaned up against the doorframe, beginning to doze off again.

Deidara ignored her and continued to hurt the good boy. Tobi's flailing arms knocked over a glass cup and it shattered on the floor, waking Kohana up again.

She jumped and frowned angrily. "Okay. That's it you two. Bed." She narrowed her eyes menacingly. "_Now._"

Deidara looked at her for several minutes then reluctantly let go. She had a point. In the morning, when his mind was fully awake, he could then plot a successful way to kill Tobi. He mumbled under his breath and trotted back up the stairs to his room.

Kohana moved to find a dust pan and broom. "Tobi…get to bed."

Tobi waited until the room stopped spinning and slowly moved out of the kitchen as well. _'That blonde one sure has some anger issues...'_ Once Kohana was sure the mess was cleaned up, she clicked off the kitchen light and made her way back to her room.

"That was impressive."

Kohana stopped and looked around. Her eyes settled on two gleaming grey irises looking back at her. "Hm?"

"I've witnessed raging Deidara in the middle of the night and it usually results in someone needing medical attention. Somehow you managed to save Tobi's life with words. Very impressive."

Kohana, who still had no clue as to who was talking to her nor did she care, blinked several times before asking, "And why is he 'raging' at this time of night anyhow? He's usually more…" She searched for the word. "…placid."

The eyes blinked slowly. "Yes, Deidara is the easy-going one…during the day. At night, his mind doesn't function as normally as it does during the day. At night…the only emotion he knows is rage."

She nodded. "Right. Make sure you tell me that again when _my_ brain is functioning normally." She waved her hand slightly and continued off to her room.

Leader watched her go, amusement in his normally impassive eyes. "…This one could be a keeper…"

--

It was nearly nine in the morning when Kohana woke up to the sounds of Itachi ranting and raving about his hair.

"Right." She sighed. "I have to fix that today."

She slid out of her bed and yawned, stretching. Thankful that her room was one of the few with its own private bathroom, she quickly showered and dressed. When she figured she was "presentable", she set to fixing her room. Once her bed was made and her weapons were back on the nightstand, she opened her bedroom door to find a piece of paper taped to it.

_Kohana,_

_Konan and I are going out for the day on a mission. I trust you to take care of the boys while we are gone. Here is a list of things that need to be done today. When she and I return, all of us will sit down and discuss your status. Remember, I will not tolerate _any_ disorder._

_Leader_

Kohana sighed. She read the list out loud to herself. "'Clean _the kitchen after every meal.'_ Okay. _'Fix Itachi's hair'_….shit. Okay. '_Clean Tobi's room.'_ Why do I need to clean his room? _'Vacuum, take out trash, and clean all bathrooms.'_ Wow. _'Organize all books, magazines, movies, games, hair products, food products…'_ …..What the hell? _'Clean the pool.'_ I've never cleaned a pool before… _'Organize _all_ closets.'_ You're kidding me." She closed her eyes and folded up the note. "This is already hell in a hand basket."

She decided the best way to get everything done was to go straight down the list, doing one thing at a time to prevent herself from starting too many tasks and not finishing them all. Unfortunately, the only person awake at the moment was Tobi, whom was watching Hannah Montana.

"Good morning, Tobi." She spoke offhandedly, going into the kitchen to assess the possible damage. It was a pretty decent sized kitchen. She shrugged. Whatever Sasori and Hidan did, it couldn't possibly be too much to handle. Since there wasn't anything to clean up in the kitchen, she pulled out her list and looked at the next item. Itachi's hair. She went back to the kitchen to pick up her "kit". She grabbed pickle relish, vinegar, flour, vegetable oil, olive oil, and a cup of liquid fabric softener. She then went out to the tool shed out back and found plant fertilizer and motor oil; she grabbed two cups of each. Back in the kitchen, she took out a huge mixing bowl and dumped her ingredients in. She used her hands to mix it all together.

"What is that?" Itachi demanded, standing next to her. Had she not been used to his sudden appearances, she may have very well attached herself to the ceiling again like she did the first seven times.

"Your normal hair color." She answered, still mixing the…stuff.

Itachi eyed the mixture disdainfully. "I hope you do not plan to put _that_ into my hair."

"Psht. Like it would make a difference whether it worked or not?" She eyed his snow white locks. If he hadn't been told specifically not to lay a hand on her for any reason (of course all the others were available for torture)…he may have very well had strangled her for mocking him.

"'_Like it would make a difference'_—Hell yeah it would make a difference!" He pointed to the bowl. "Do you see the color of that bowl of horse shit?" He touched his hair. "I'd rather have this than to have shitty looking hair."

She stopped mixing and glared at him. "Well then fine. Snow White." She picked up the bowl and turned to dump it into the trash.

"NO!" Itachi snatched the bowl from her. "Just know that if it doesn't work and you put this…_stuff_…into my hair…I will torture you for 72 hours non-stop."

She nodded vaguely. "Then go grab a towel and a shower cap. It's ready now."

--

Itachi squirmed as the cool mixture touched his scalp. The feeling of the various ingredients grazing his scalp was driving him mad and he occasionally shared a few choice words with Kohana who was taking her time putting it in.

"Must you be so slow?" Itachi whined as she added another handful.

"Yes. I was told that it must be put in delicately or else it could damage the hair even more." She bit her bottom lip as she massaged his ends.

He froze. "This crap could make it _worse_?!"

"Yes, now be still. I don't want to get it on your skin." She lowered her voice. "I don't even want to think about what it could do."

Itachi closed his eyes and allowed her to finish. She put the plastic shower cap on his head and sat him up. "Am I done? Can we wash it out now?"

She shook her head. "No. Now you have to wait...about an hour."

"Fuck. No." He moved dangerously close to her. "Take it out. _Now._"

She shook her head and moved back, determined not to be overtaken by his attractiveness.

"Kohana, I will kill--"

A loud crash cut him off and Kohana darted off in the direction of the sound. Kohana left the Uchiha standing there and ran into the living room...only to find Deidara strangling Tobi. "Deidara!"

"You...ate...my...fucking...CHIPS YEAH!!" Deidara screamed shaking Tobi senseless.

"I'm...sorry!!" Tobi squeaked out, trying desperately to free himself.

Itachi ignored the good boy's pleas. "Deidara you tried that method of death already. It didn't work so why try that again?"

Deidara looked up at him but didn't loosen his vice-grip. "...Point taken."

A few seconds passed before Tobi was released. Kohana looked at Itachi with appreciation. "Thank y--"

Itachi held up his hand. "Don't thank me just yet. If this--" he pointed to his head "--doesn't work then I'll go suggest a few ways for Deidara to successfully kill Tobi. I _am_ a former ANBU captain after all."

Kohana watched the eldest Uchiha turn and trot away triumphantly, leaving Kohana to stare at his back. She decided to just leave it be for the moment and go back to her list. For the next few hours she wasn't really interrupted, allowing her to get small things like organizing done. She understood why certain members' rooms were targeted on the list...Hell Tobi was a packrat!! He had things from several years before her _birth_!

All that was left Itachi's hair and the kitchen--

"WHERE IS VERONICA?!" Kisame roared.

"Oh no--" Kohana ran upstairs to the blue one's room.

"SHE WAS JUST IN HER BOWL!! WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!"

Kohana blinked a few times. "Who is Veronica?"

Sasori passed by her. "His girlfriend. Despite the fact that he changes girlfriends every month...he always names them the same as the one before: Veronica."

For some reason...this didn't really surprise Kohana. In fact, nothing much surprised her when it came to these people. "Um...so...what do we do?"

Kisame lost it. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO WE DO?? WE FIND HER!!"

Blink. Blink. "Um...so what does she look like?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

It happened so fast that Kohana didn't even have time to think about some sort of defense. Water flooded the headquarters, washing all of the lighter contents right out through open windows...including various members.

"WHEEE!!" Tobi whooped as he literally surfed the waves of water on a kayak.

"GET OFF OF THAT!! IT'S AN ANTIQUE AND IS WORTH TONS OF MONEY!!" Kazuku yelled shaking his fist as he occasionally slipped underneath the water.

Kohana somehow ended up on a branch in a tree, looking down at the others. If she had to be soaked with water...it could have at least been _warm_ water!

"Well...that's one way to clean things." A voice murmured. She looked up to see Leader standing on the same branch, observing things.

"Oh I can sooo explain this--"

"No need." He smirked. "You're accepted. The fact that you're alive says you might be able to last a while here."

She looked back at the boys. Itachi was dancing happily because his hair was black again. In the midst of the debris, Kisame had found Veronica and Deidara had found another bag of chips. Tobi was playing with some of Sasori's puppets and Sasori was trying to collect all of the clean puppets. Not to mention...the head quarters was clean.

All because of a damned jutsu.

Kohana fell from the tree and approached Kazuku. Despite how scary she saw him, this needed to be done. "Kazuku?"

He turned to her, strange pupils staring down at her.

"We need to buy a van for transportation."

Few things caught her off guard. A fainting S-Ranked ninja was suddenly one of them.

"Kazuku-san?"


	4. Me & My Senpai

**Me & My Senpai**

_Just how annoying can Tobi be? You be the judge!_

The world had completely stopped spinning when Tobi found out that the High School Musical marathon had taken precedence over Hanna Montana. In fact, had he not just taken his meds and eaten a good lunch...someone could have _died._ But what was a good boy to do?

"Ko-chan...I'm bored and Hannah Montana doesn't come on today. What can I do?"

Kohana gave it thought while brushing Deidara's hair. With her there, he and Itachi no longer had to waste precious energy brushing their hair or brain cells trying to count out one thousand strokes. "Well, when I'm done we can play Monopoly."

Tobi's eyes lit up with child-like joy. "Really?"

"Yes. It's in my room on top of my dresser." She pointed with the blue brush she was using. Tobi saluted her like a soldier going off to war then took off.

However, when Tobi got to her room...

"Zetsu-senpai, what are you doing?" Tobi asked, his head tilted to the side out of curiosity.

Zetsu dropped the blue lace boy shorts, caught in the act. "Um...I-I wanted to see what size Kohana was...s-so I could buy her some pants!" He nodded, proud that he could think so quickly on his feet. Surely this was why he got recruited before anyone else.

Tobi frowned underneath the mask. "Then what is the camera for?" He pointed to the disposable Kodak camera the mutated plant held.

Zetsu fought not to sweat from the sheer nervousness he felt from the awkward pause that followed the question. "Um...I have a bad memory. Taking pictures will help me remember!"

Tobi blinked a few times. "_Ohhhh._ I see...well--" His eye landed on a pair of red lace boy shorts. He loved the color red...Zetsu used this opportunity to disappear. Tobi sorted through the drawer, awed by lingerie of every color--even _rainbow_ colored--ranging from bras to corsets. Then an idea hit him.

"Dress up!!" He exclaimed putting on a purple Hello Kitty bra and those adorable red lace boy shorts over his head. He eyed himself in her vanity mirror (ignoring Monopoly sitting in plain sight). Hm. Kohana had such good hats and battle ready armor in her dresser.

"Tobi is a _sexy_ good boy. Mmm-hmm."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Deidara was screaming at Hidan about art again. Tobi sighed. Deidara couldn't notice Tobi's incredible fashion sense (which still consisted of Ko's underwear on his head) if she was too busy screaming, could she?

He would wait in Deidara's room to show her his "incredible-ness". He found mounds of "Play-Doh" all over the place. Interesting, it was rare that he got to play with the pretty blonde's things. He picked up a glob of clay and smelled it. "...Hey. This Play-Doh smells yucky!"

Another brilliant idea hit the good boy. Deidara-chan deserved better Play-Doh.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Konan was such a pretty woman. Not prettier than Deidara-chan...but Tobi believed he had a better chance with her than Deidara since Konan was a bit quieter than the blonde...and not as violent. Thanks to Sasori for fully explaining the "birds and bees" to Tobi, Tobi fully understood how to invite a woman to "dance" with him in bed.

But he would need paint. Kisame had taken his last paint set after trying to send an invitation to Deidara who in turn blew the kitchen to pieces upon seeing the invitation etched onto his own bedroom wall.

What could he use?

Another idea hit him. "Tobi knows!" He patted his open hand with his fist. "I can use Itachi-san's paints!!"

In the Dark Prince's room, Tobi found all sorts of neat paints for him to use. Unfortunately, Itachi was "emo" therefore only possessing purples and blacks. Tobi shrugged. Surely Konan wouldn't mind which colors. He scratched his head through one of the leg holes of the boy shorts he wore then grabbed a handful black eyeliners and purple nail polishes.

It took Tobi nearly thirty minutes (every single bottle and tube of purple nail polish and eyeliner) to paint an elaborate mural of ponies galloping happily at night underneath a purple moon. Tobi wiped a tear away and admired his work. "Even Sasori-senpai would be proud of me!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Finding out that Konan was out with Leader for the day was a bit more than the "good" boy could take. Almost worse than finding out that Deidara had taken a solo mission of going to pick up Itachi and Tobi's medications...and that Sasori had went out for a walk. Kisame was spending time with Veronica. Kakuzu and Hidan had disappeared...

Tobi sighed. After Kohana cleaned the house, she declared that they should get rid of the excess items they didn't need by having a yard sale...

Tobi pulled out a small notepad and scribbled in it. "June 13: Tobi had a productive day. Ideas keep coming to him!" He put it away and struck a superhero pose. "And DeiDei-chan says I'm useless."

So Tobi assigned himself a new mission. He gathered things from everyone's rooms that were designated to be sold in a future yard sale and dumped them on the front lawn. After ordering in a "professional" way, he went and got his cute pink piggy bank and waited for customers.

He did well for a while, remembering to charge for items and giving reasonable prices for them...until he saw a familiar face. The lady down the street was out walking her Great Dane and Tobi _loved_ Sanzo...although Sanzo wasn't too fond of him. "May I pet him?"

"Um...well I'm not sure if--" The woman tried to object but Tobi had already reached out and was rubbing the dog's head. Not to mention she was a bit distracted by the panties on the boy's head.

"Grrrr..." The dog snapped and nearly swallowed Tobi's arm hole. Luckily, Deidara had trained Tobi to have incredibly fast reflexes.

"Well it seems Mr. Snuggles is having a bad day!" Tobi pouted. "Poor Snuggles-san."

If dogs could sweat drop, please believe that Sanzo would have done so at that moment. Customers came and went, taking things and leaving how much they were willing to pay for in Tobi's little piggy bank...while Tobi continued talking to Sanzo and his owner. As long as Tobi saw them drop something in the bank he didn't bother to stop them.

Tobi was so smart!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So far only two hours had passed. Tobi was beginning to think that a nap was something he really needed...but he was too energetic. He skipped happily to Sasori's room for one of his favorite pastimes of the day--playing dollies. All he had to do was find them...

THE CLOSET!!

Tobi snatched the door open and tons of puppets crashed down on him. "ARRGH!!" He poked his head up through the mountain of puppets, ignoring various pricks he felt all over his body. He looked around, deciding on a good dolly to play with...and what he saw shocked him.

"Deidara-chan?" Tobi stood and moved deeper into the closet and emerged with a blow up doll. She had blue eyes. _'Like Deidara-chan.'_ She had blonde hair. _'Like Deidara-chan.'_ Why was her mouth open like that? He stuck his finger in the opening. It fit but the hole was much wider than that. What could it possibly fit in her mouth like that? Why was it sticky and wet in there??

He turned the life-sized doll over and inspected her. Well she was certainly well used. Maybe Sasori played dollies with her often? Tobi's eye widened. Sasori-senpai was so cruel to keep such a pretty dolly all to himself. Tobi held the "doll" up at arm's length. She was a peculiar doll, very different from the rest. She wasn't made of wood or ply board like the others were...but, rather, of plastic. On top of that, she was filled with air, making her extremely lightweight.

...And she looked like Deidara!

"Ohh, I see...Sasori-senpai likes DeiDei-chan too!" Tobi narrowed his eye. Unfortunately, Deidara and Sasori were partners before his admittance into the Akatsuki. Surely they had a bond that even he, the good friendly boy, couldn't penetrate? Tobi pondered the possibilities...while unconsciously sticking his finger in and out of the doll's mouth.

_"Why is the back of her mouth all wet and sticky?!"_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He named the doll Michiko and kept going. With Kohana's panties on his head and the well-used blow up doll tucked under his arm, he decided to go pay Kisame's girlfriend a visit.

"Hello there, Veronica!" Tobi was only inches from her face. "Do you like my new hat?" He pointed to the red lace boy shorts on his head. "Or what about my new friend, Michi-chan?" He held up Deidara's plastic inanimate twin.

The fish didn't move...unless the air bubble that escaped from her gills counted.

"I don't see how Kisame-senpai tolerates you. You're too anti-social."

..._Pop!_ The bubble exploded upon reaching the surface.

Tobi sighed and looked at Michiko, who still looked shocked beyond all logical reasoning. "Let's play a game with Veronica." Tobi found a paper clip and a straw, tore a strand of string from the lining of his cloak and made a make-shift fishing pole. "Let's fish!"

Minutes later Tobi stared at the fish bowl. She really wasn't supposed to try to hook herself...

"Uh oh."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Tobi!" Zetsu yelled from his room. Maintaining such a popular website was a lot of work. Not to mention that, due to the addition of a new female member, he had to work overtime just to keep up with the demands of his fans. So stopping to get a drink when he needed to upload the pictures showing exactly what the new member wore underneath her uniform was out of the question. "Get your ass in here!"

Tobi appeared in the doorway, saluting with his right hand with the blow up doll tucked underneath his left arm. "Tobi and his ass is _here_, sir!" Coupled with those now infamous pair of panties on his head (black hair sticking through the leg holes), Zetsu was convinced that the boy was insane. "Can you get me a drink? Kohana should have some pre-made fertilizer drinks in the fridge for me."

"Aye, aye!" Tobi rand downstairs and peered into the kitchen. Hm…Of course the drinks were right there, just as Zetsu said they would be…but why not do a little extra? He could make Zetsu so proud of him by making the bland green-ish drink extra special! The chibi thought bubble burst when the plastic doll made a noise when he moved.

"What was that, Michiko?...Ah, yes! We could add extra plant stuff to it!" He looked around. "But what exactly?"

In the cabinets, the only thing he found that resembled plant food was parsley flakes. He poured the fertilizer mixture into a champagne glass and sprinkled parsley flakes on top. Something was still missing…He went out to the shed. Maybe there was something out there besides the fertilizer…His eye landed on a bottle.

"Miracle-Gro?" Tobi thought about it. "Oh! It will make him Super Plant Man!" He ran back into the house and poured the liquid into the glass. Now what else…Sasori usually decorated his drinks that he served at their parties with colorful umbrellas. He found some in a drawer by the pantry and decided to use a yellow one. Aw, so pretty!

"Here, Zetsu-san!" He held up the drink.

Zetsu was thrilled to already have nearly one hundred hits on the new photos _and_ requests for pictures of her wearing the items. "Thank you…" He took the glass and looked at it. "Ah! Good job Tobi!"

Music to the good boy's ears. He bear hugged Michiko and watched Zetsu chug the drink…

…and abruptly stop. His yellow eyes dilated and he began choking.

"Zetsu-san?"

The huge…creature… toppled over backwards in his chair, motionless staring at the ceiling.

"Zetsu-san?" Tobi poked him. "Oh dear…I think I may have killed him…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How was he to know that they actually _used_ weed killer? Who in the world labeled such a dangerous thing as "Miracle-Gro"? And why was he being screamed at?

Tobi had called for help and Kohana and Deidara came running in. (He thought they'd left…) Deidara nearly had a stroke upon seeing the blow up doll version of himself. Kohana royally spazzed upon seeing her favorite pair of panties being advertised on both Tobi's head _and_ Zetsu's hentai/porn site. Tobi then continued to scream and point to the mutated aloe vera plant lying unconscious on the floor.

Upon realizing that killing other members would break rule number one, Deidara and Kohana began to help. Deidara totally forgot the doll and went to call the poison control center. Kohana snatched the boy shorts off Tobi's head and tried to get Zetsu to regain consciousness.

"Tobi, go find Hidan and keep him company." Kohana spoke comfortingly and Tobi nodded, setting off to do what he'd been told.

He found the ancient one in his "sleeping quarters" (for some reason Hidan was convinced that the word "bedroom" alluded to sexual intercourse), lying on the floor next to the body of a dead rabbit, in a pentagram made with his own blood. Hidan freaked Tobi out on occasion but since Kohana sent him on a mission…he had no choice.

"Hello, Hidan-senpai."

"Fuck off. I'm busy." The platinum blonde muttered back then continued humming in one flat, boring tone.

'_There's that word again. Why won't anyone explain to me what it means?'_ Tobi sighed. He went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of ketchup, using it to create his own pentagram…then laid down beside it. "Hidan, may I join you?"

Had Tobi not been looking at the "albino" man, he would have sworn a dog was growling at him…but Sanzo had gone to the "v-e-t". Hm…something else to figure out: what was the "v-e-t"?

Hidan looked at the swirly Halloween mask. "I usually don't ask this but…_why_?"

"Ko-chan sent me to keep you company." Tobi stared up at the ceiling. Wow. Kisame's jutsu actually washed the blood off the ceiling too?

"What the fuck?! I don't need a fucking babysitter. Much less one with and IQ equivalent to my fucking pinky toe."

Tobi hugged Michiko tighter. "Hidan…what is fuck?"

Is it possible for Hidan to get paler than he already is?

"Pardon?"

"What is fuck?" Tobi turned his head and looked at the elder.

Hidan looked at Tobi. "Why do you want to know?"

"Sasori said that people 'dance' in bed. But…I heard Itachi tell Deidara-chan to go fuck herself. If he meant dance he would have said that…right?"

Hidan wondered if Jashin-sama was punishing him for not sacrificing a human instead of some random animal…

"It's the same thing. It's just that fuck is a meaner way of saying it." There. That should be enough.

Silence.

"So then why do you say you don't need a fucking babysitter? Are we supposed to fuck? And why say fuck off? Or your fucking pinky toe?"

'_Okay. Okay. Stop using bad words around Tobi. Okay. Okay, Kohana I get it.'_ Hidan mentally kicked himself.

"And what is a bitch?"

That's easy. "A female dog."

"…So Itachi-san is a female dog?"

"A hairy wet one." Hidan nodded. As soon as he remembered what he was supposed to be doing, he planned to send the good ass idiot on his merry fucking way.

"….Hidan how do you fuck?"

'_Holy hell._' "Ask Zetsu. I'm sure he can show you."

"He drank weed killer."

'_Just couldn't wait to get out of here, huh?'_ "Well, I see another member has crossed the train tracks to Wacky Land…like Orochimaru."

"Itachi calls him Oreochimaru."

This earned a hearty laugh from the ancient one. "That's a riot."

"Have you ever fucked, Hidan-senpai?"

'_Oh holy helllllllll…'_

"I'm busy; go away."

"I've never fucked." Tobi said sadly.

Unfortunately, suicide was something Jashin-sama was firmly against. How in the hell would you be able to serve him dead?? "Keep it that way."

Tobi hugged Michiko. "Maybe we can fuck."

Of course, Hidan thought this was directed to him. "OO" _'Jashin-sama sure has a sick sense of humor.'_

"It would be so much fun! Us 'dancing' in bed." Tobi giggled. "Let's dance now!"

A sudden gust of air followed a loud terrified scream. Tobi sat up and looked around to find himself in an empty room. "…Well Michiko, I guess he wants us to use his room!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Needless to say, all hell broke loose when everyone came home. Hidan refused to even go into his room after seeing Tobi clutching the blow doll in a very satisfied way and his bed sheets tousled all over the bed. He ignored Tobi's explanation that he and Michiko only 'danced' (meaning they jumped up and down on the bed as any child would) and demanded that Kohana prepare him a new room or thoroughly clean his…maybe even call in HVAC…surely there were now unknown viruses in there…

Itachi went nuts upon finding al of his cosmetics gone…and passed out when he saw all of it used as a mural on Konan's wall inviting her to dance with Tobi in bed. Sasori made all sorts of jokes about this until Konan pointed out that she wouldn't touch Tobi because he was a cheater…and pointed at the blow up doll.

No words could describe the expression on Sasori's face.

Deidara popped up next to the red head with an impish grin on his face. "So…you actually want to fuck me yeah?" Deidara batted his blue eyes at Sasori.

"OMFG WHO SOLD MY KAYAK?!" Kakuzu screamed. "FOR TWO PAPERCLIPS!!"

Everyone looked at Tobi.

"Um…I'm sorry?" Tobi shrugged clutching Michiko. The group began to close in on him, preparing to mutilate the good boy before—

"_OMFG WHO KILLED VERONICA?!" _came Kisame's blood-curdling scream.

Once again the house was filled with a powerful water current and washed them outside. Deidara threw a queen bitch fit upon realizing that the only reason he couldn't have escaped was because his clay…was blue Play-Doh. It fell to the ground with a quiet thump and he stared down at it…then at Tobi.

Tobi hung from a tree still holding onto Deidara's plastic twin. Kohana ended up on top of Itachi, who narrowed his red eyes with an implied threat.

"As soon as I think of a lie that you'll fall for…" Sasori stood next to Deidara and pointed at the doll. "…I'll explain that to you."

This saved Tobi from another brush with death. Deidara folded his arms. "Well, I'm waiting."

Kakuzu saw the leftovers from the garage "sale" and promptly burst into tears. This shocked Kohana so badly she didn't get off Itachi.

"Hello!"

They turned…and screamed.

"Tobi invited Kabuto and me over for a slumber party!! Yay!!" Orochimaru danced in circles around Kabuto wearing purple silk pajamas that had white and black "zebra" fur as trim. This shocked Itachi so badly he held onto Kohana fearing that such bad fashion sense could possibly be contagious. Maybe Hidan had a point and they should have contacted HVAC. "Sorry but Sasuke-kun refused to come."

Kabuto only stared at them, apparently furious he had to share his master's attention.

"We can play spin the bottle. Whee!!" Orochimaru continued to dance.

Everyone looked up at Tobi disdainfully.

"_**TOBI!!"**_

* * *

A/N: Just as a reminder I have one-shots from my Naruto Make Out Paradise that actually follow this storyline.


	5. Cheesy Deposit

**Cheesy Deposit**

It was nacho day. Nacho day wasn't a pre-determined day; just whatever day everyone couldn't settle on the same thing for dinner...or a two-thirds majority vote didn't work out. Usually Kohana fixed the whole meal on her own but since everyone was in their "hate Tobi's existence" mood from the day (High School Musical had its marathon on Disney thus robbing Tobi of his Hannah Montana moment needed to go through a day without causing too much damage)...She had gotten stuck with the unwanted good boy.

"So what can I do, Kohana-senpai?" Tobi asked.

She fought to keep from rolling her eyes. Never had one word irked her so badly before...well...not the word itself..."Well, you burned the stove the last time I tried letting you brown the hamburger meat by yourself." She smiled as an idea struck her. "You can prepare the cheese!"

"The cheese?" His eye widened. "Oh goody!"

"Okay, just get the Velveeta cheese from the fridge and heat it up in the microwave." She instructed while breaking up the hamburger meat into a warming skillet. _'Hell, even Deidara couldn't mess _that_ up.'_

"Okay, Ko-chan!" He saluted her then dashed over to the fridge, cape whipping behind him. Why they even permitted him to have it was beyond her. How many times had she seen him nearly suffocate, strangle, or nearly hang himself with the cursed thing?...Hm...Maybe _that's_ why they let him have it...Kohana got distracted with cooking the meat and pondering other possible ways Tobi's cape could possibly do what Deidara had so far failed to do, thus forgetting Tobi's presence altogether.

Tobi found a plastic non-microwaveable bowl and put the cheese in it. Well, surely if it said "microwaveable" then it meant it could melt in the microwave. _Duh._ Tobi was a genius. Now how long did one have to cook it? Ah. Fourteen minutes. One. Four. Zero. Zero. Start.

With a ding, the plate began to rotate.

"Kohana!" Deidara yelled.

"Dear God..." She groaned. "_What?!_"

He came storming into the kitchen along with Itachi and pointed at the other. Kohana looked at the pair...and bit her lip to keep from laughing. Somehow, the dynamic duo had gotten their "off-limits" hair tangled up. Then again, nothing was really "idiot-proof" in the house..."H-how did you--?"

"This is _not_ funny." Itachi hissed, cutting his eyes at her. Oddly enough, it was. It looked like someone had attempted to make a swirly ice cream cone...and succeeded.

"Well, how--"

"Okay, Itachi tried using some dumbass wind jutsu, yeah--" Deidara started to explain.

"I was _training_."

Deidara rolled his eyes. "And just who the fuck trains _inside_ the fucking headquarters any-fucking-way, hn?!"

"Those who prefer not to let the rain water frizz up their ultra sleek hair!" Itachi shouted back.

"You fucking dumbass." Deidara tried pulling away but, because Itachi was still attached to him, their heads smacked together...similar to a ball and ping pong paddle.

"Ow!" They cried out and grabbed their foreheads.

Kohana was so wrapped up in the elaborate "ice cream cone" that she didn't catch the meaning behind the event right away. Her eyes widened with fear as she paled. "Oh my God! Leader's deposit!!" She raced past them. Surely a wind jutsu _alone_ couldn't have done that. If Deidara had been carrying any of his bombs...

Tobi stared at the cheese. It was bubbling. Should he take it out and stir it? Or leave it in and stir it? Or leave it alone? He turned to ask Kohana but instead found Itachi and Deidara brawling. "Um...?"

"YOU FUCKING TWITLESS JACKASS!" Itachi roared punching Deidara in the face a few times.

"YOU HAVE NERVE, YOU FUCKING NON-HOT LOSER!!" Deidara screamed shoving Itachi on the floor...and falling on top of him because of their hair. All this commotion drew other members into the kitchen. It wasn't often one got to see the two actually duke it out.

"What's going on now?" Sasori demanded. He had been booted from the kitchen by Kohana so he wasn't happy anyway...if he was ever happy. Kisame, Kakuzu, and Hidan all came into the kitchen behind the red head. Poor Tobi had forgotten all about the cheese.

"Senpai!!" He yelled followed by a Xena-like battle cry. Before anyone could stop him, he joined the fight.

"Ow! Tobi watch what the hell you're doing, un!!"

Kakuzu was an opportunist. "So...who's betting on whom?"

Sasori pulled out a handful of money. "Ten on Tobi."

"Same on Itachi." Kisame nodded.

"Betting is against my religion." Hidan folded his arms and turned away. "But I think Deidara will win this one."

Kakuzu smiled underneath his mask. "I'm putting twenty on Kohana."

"Kohana?!" Kisame looked at the man. "How do you figure that?"

"You'll see."

Someone hit Tobi so hard he fell back into the pantry, breaking the door. "That's it!" Tobi yelled and stood up. "No more mister Good Boy." He pushed his sleeves up.

Eyes widened and mouths dropped open. "_Oh shit_."

Sasori smirked. "Get my money ready. I need a new surgical kit."

Tobi merely wave his hand and the two flew across the kitchen. Hidan had to duck to avoid being hit by a flying S-Rank missing ninja. They both stood in opposite corners of the kitchen. Deidara felt his hair freely touching his shoulders. "I'M FRE--"

_BOOM!_

Itachi lowered his jutsu hand and smirked as the smoke from his jutsu cleared. "Fucking dumba--"

_BOOM!_

"I cannot _stand_ you!!" Deidara hissed through his gritted teeth.

As the battle ensued (now including throwing available objects like pots, pans, and Sasori) various damaging jutsus were slung in all directions, even the spectators had to dodge a few. Kohana finally came back...angry.

"I can't believe you melted the paint off of the..." Her sentence died off upon seeing the destroyed state of the kitchen. "...What the hell?"

Kakuzu elbowed Kisame and held out his hand. Any outsider would believed all hell had broken loose or that Judgment Day had begun right there in the kitchen. There were several holes in the ceiling, exposing parts of Kohana's bedroom. Parts of the wall had been scorched. Deidara was holding Sasori's torso preparing to throw his head. Pots, pans, and other dishes were destroyed...and she had _**just**_ cleaned the kitchen from yesterday's battle!! "The kitchen..."

"Get ready to pay up." Kakuzu whispered triumphantly.

Kohana's usually friendly eyes narrowed menacingly as she balled up her fists. "Someone's going to clean this up...and it _won't_ be me." She brought up her hands preparing to fire off a jutsu of her own.

_Ding._

The sound startled ex-ANBU member, Itachi, who from time to time had battle flashbacks, and he automatically sent a fireball towards the sound. "**ITACHI, NO!!"**

_SPLAT!_

It was so quiet one could hear Veronica's air bubble breaking the water surface in her bowl. Kohana blinked a few times then looked down. Cheese. Hot Velveeta _cheese_.

"Well, this is...awkward." Itachi made an uneasy face as he tried slinging the cheese off of his hands.

Deidara let out a scream." MY HAIR!! HE, LIKE, MESSED UP MY HAIR AGAIN YEAH!!"

Itachi's eyes widened as he touched his own hair. His Sharingan faded away as he prepared to scream too. Kohana still stared at the cheese that now covered everything. "Tobi...how much cheese did you use?"

"OH UNHOLY HELLLL NO!!" Hidan yelled wiping cheese off on his face. "I _just_ exfoliated!!"

Really, these men's personal hygiene habits were frightening.

"Mmm! This is better than nachos!" Tobi commented while licking cheese off of his hand.

Kakuzu looked at their cloaks and nearly passed out. Leader made it an unspoken rule that their cloaks were to stay clean at _all_ times. "SOMEONE'S GETTING THIS DAMNED CHEESE OFF OF MY DAMNED CLOAK!!"

Kohana put down her hands. "I guess it would be best if I tried hiring an assistant."

"An assistant for the assistant?" Kakuzu looked at her.

"A babysitter for the babysitter?" Hidan tilted his head to the side. For this Kohana cut her eyes at him. For some reason or another he refused to see her as helpful to them.

"Um," Sasori cleared his throat, "I hope this isn't too much to ask but can someone put me back together? I need to strangle the blonde one."

Deidara's eyes doubled in size and he dropped the puppet master to run for his life.


	6. Toilet Talk

**Toilet Talk**

It was nearly three in the afternoon...no one would need to use the bathroom right? She stood in front of the wide vanity mirror over the sink and stared at her reflection, checking for any unsightly blemishes.

"God woman. HURRY IT UP!!" Itachi banged on the bathroom door impatiently. Beside him an equally impatient Tobi hopped from foot to foot, tugging on his sleeve as tears wet his eye.

"I have to pee, Itachi-san!!"

Kohana pretended not to hear anything. _'Damn it, there other bathrooms! Why must they choose this one?!'_ She shook her head. Her hair was a bit frizzy from the shower. She spotted a brush lying on the counter and carefully picked the blonde strands from it...then began brushing her hair.

Deidara combed his bedroom looking for his precious brush. It was crystal blue and had his name etched into the handle...Oh how he only wanted to brush his hair!! He had to brush it exactly five hundred times in order to maintain that softness...where was it?

"Has anyone seen my hairbrush?"

Itachi simply stared at the door as if contemplating using Amaterasu to burn it down. "No. Got enough problems here." He waited for any sign of life behind the closed door. "KOHANA HURRY UP!!"

Kohana continued brushing her hair with the blue brush. "There are other bathrooms!"

"This one is my favorite one!" Itachi keep banging on the door.

"Kohana! Have you seen my hair brush?!" Thus Deidara joined banging on the door.

"I have to gooooooo!" Tobi began doing what Kohana affectionately called the pee-pee dance, when you really have to go and start moving about, usually hopping from foot to foot as if it will make the urge go away.

Upon hearing Tobi's whining voice again, Kohana gave in. If he didn't have to go so badly he would've went to another bathroom. "Fine." She made sure her towel was wrapped around her tightly then yanked the door open. "You people are impossible."

Deidara looked at the brush in her hand with love. "You found it!" He grabbed her wrist and dragged her down to his room. "Since you already have it, you can brush my hair for me! Today it's five hundred strokes okay?"

"Ugh." Kohana groaned.

Itachi's eyes narrowed with a bit of jealousy. "DAMMIT SHE'S DOING MY HAIR NEXT!!"

"Yeah, yeah whatever rain man." Deidara waved the other off.

Itachi looked down at Tobi. Well he had to go to the potty. He figured it really couldn't kill him to just let Tobi use the bathroom while he showered...

Itachi got in the shower then permitted Tobi to come in and take care of his business. Tobi quickly yanked his pants down the second he heard Itachi squirt shampoo into his hand. "Tachi-senpai, I have a question."

"Omfg." Itachi sighed and poked his head out the shower. "What is it?" Upon seeing Tobi sitting on the toilet he closed his eyes tightly.

Tobi braced himself. "Do you like Ko-chan?" Then he realized he had to do a bit more than number one...and passed gas.

Itachi gagged and disappeared back into the shower, taking his time to lather up with his Axe Kilo body wash. He was a dirty boy...He gagged. "Tobi, that's none of your concern. My main concern is getting her to admit she likes me."

"How do you know she likes you?" Tobi asked trying to get into a comfortable position.

"Even a blind man could see she likes me!" Itachi puffed his chest out. "Even then. I'm hot. Why _wouldn't_ she like me?"

_'Blind man?...'_ Tobi looked at Itachi's silhouette in the shower. _'Isn't he blind?'_ "I can't think of a single reason why she wouldn't like you."

"Thank you. She's not blind. She can be moronic at times just like Deidara but..." He paused. "But she's a decent assistant."

"Ah! But you like her, no?"

Itachi rinsed out the shampoo. "Tobi, I'm not going to admit that to you." He put in the conditioner. "You will go blurt it out to everyone you see."

Tobi's eyes widened as he pushed out a large turd. _Plunk!_ "Oh God that one hurt. But Tachi-senpai, I've seen you looking at her. You look at her back and actually smile."

"That's because I most likely had done something that was sure to cause her hell."

"Even so you just admitted you liked her."

"I did _not_!" Itachi stopped.

"Did too. You said 'I'm not going to admit that to you'. Meaning that you weren't going to confess that you like her even though in that sentence you pretty much let the cat out of the bag."

"Tobi. You aren't smarter than me. Shut it."

"Like hell I'm not because then you said I'd blurt it out to everyone I saw. Soooo...you _do_ like her." Tobi started to break out in a sweat. Who knew number two could be so difficult? No more cheese. No more.

"God, Tobi. You're stinking up the bathroom. This is the _last_ time I allow you to share the bathroom with me." Itachi muttered while doing another round of Axe body wash. "None. Of. Your. Concern. Stick to your toys, games, and Hannah Montana."

"Hannah? One day she will give birth to my children." Tobi said lovingly while mentally picturing him and Miley running through a field of flowers with all twelve of their children running along behind them.

Itachi paused. "Tobi, isn't she younger than you? I mean...really younger than you?"

"Age doesn't matter. We're in love." Tobi sighed with another loud fart.

Itachi gagged and covered his nose and mouth. "Omfg. Tobi that's rape."

"Not if she wants it."

"Okay why are we even having this conversation?!"

Tobi felt a sharp pain and began squirming on the toilet. "It huuuuuuurts!!" _PLUNK!_ "Damn!" He regulated his breathing. _'Cheese is eviiiiil.'_ "You like her. You won't even say that you don't like her. If you truly didn't like her, you'd curse her and call me rude names then say you hate her like you did when I asked you if you liked Konan."

Itachi shuddered at the thought of the blue haired eternally PMS-ing woman. "Konan is just ugh...blue hair?! Kisame is an exception because apparently Veronica isn't putting out but...Konan?" He thought about it. "How can Kisame be satisfied with a wife that doesn't do _anything_ for him?"

"Will you please stop changing the subject?" Tobi asked looking around for toilet tissue...and finding none. "Oh shi...Well Tachi-Poo you love her. Admit it."

"Tobi, _please_ stick to acting random. Don't try to play cupid."

"I'm just saying. Our clan needs reviving and I think Sasuke is allergic to a vagina. So you're our last hope...Tachi-senpai!"

Itachi quickly rinsed off. He had had enough of the Good Moron. "Yeah. Right. Whatever you say." He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. "God, Tobi!" He covered his nose and mouth. "You stunk up the bathroom! Did you forget you're lactose intolerant?" He walked out of the bathroom. "Now where did that girl go to? She has to blow dry and brush my hair...KOHANA!!"

"WAIT!! I NEED TOILET TISSUE!!" Tobi yelled after Itachi.

Hours went by...

Poor Tobi was still sitting on the toilet and by now was sobbing. "Why won't anyone bring me tissue?? I don't want skid marks in my ninja turtle undies..."


	7. Itachi the Superstar

**"Itachi the Superstar"**

Kohana looked through the cabinets for the ingredients she would need for homemade pizza since Deidara had personally asked that Friday's be pizza day. She sighed, frustrated that they didn't have a properly stocked pantry. She walked into the living room to find her new assistant, Tenshi, sitting on the couch next to Tobi with a peeved look on her face.

"Tenshi-sempai, why are your eyes so red?" Tobi asked leaning closer than advisable.

"Tobi," She sighed and leaned away. "Go away."

Tobi ignored her request and reached up to touch her hair. "Your hair is so white, Tenshi-sempai, like snow...May I eat it?"

Before Tenshi could possibly teach Tobi a few new words, Kohana intervened. "Tenshi, I need to go to the store. We need some groceries. Do you wa--"

"Yes!" Tenshi jumped up and ran to the door. She had only been there twenty seven hours before someone had officially drove her crazy. She needed the fresh air.

"O-okay then." Kohana grabbed the keys to the Akatsuki van. "Hey you guys, Tenshi and I are going to the store. We should be back shortly so please try not to destroy the headquarters before we come back."

"Okay Kohana-sempai!!" Tobi stood and saluted her. Kisame merely nodded his head and continued to read his National Geographic edition of marine life. The other members were in their rooms so Kohana believed they would be fine...as long as they didn't know that Leader wasn't there. They only acted like themselves when they knew he wasn't there to punish them for acting unprofessional.

"Okay, let's go." Tenshi grabbed Kohana's wrist and yanked her out the door, slamming it behind them.

Itachi sat up and looked around. "Did someone just leave?" He ran out of his room, down the stairs, and stood in the living room. When he saw that Tenshi and Kohana had disappeared, he put his hands on his hips and frowned. "Kisame, where are the girls?"

"They went to the store." Kisame licked his thumb and turned the page slowly. "They'll be back Itachi. Did you need something? I can call Kohana's cell phone and tell her to pick up whatever you need."

Itachi fought tears. "They left meeeee!!"

Kisame's eyes widened with fear. "I-Itachi? Are you okay?"

"Noooo!!" Itachi covered his face. Kisame stood slowly.

"Itachi, did you take the right medication?"

"Kohana gave it to me herself." He nodded wiping away his tears. Kisame knew that Kohana had a nasty habit of mixing up the medication. He moved over to Itachi and looked at the man carefully. Itachi looked up at him with wide sparkly eyes and Kisame groaned. Somehow, their assistant had still managed to screw up. If it weren't for the fact the girl was their leader's "niece", she probably would have been fired by Itachi himself a long time ago. The most he himself could do at the moment was keep Itachi under control until they came back and Kohana could give him the right medication.

Kakuzu came in, thinking of a way to make some money. He looked up and saw an emotional Itachi and immediately a light bulb clicked on in his head. He would need some help with this idea. He turned and snuck back out of the room and rushed to Hidan's room...

--

"Okay, seriously," Tenshi stared at the shelf of shampoo as Kohana concentrated on the list she had. Why she came up with the idea to have the guys list everything they would need and put it on the refrigerator was beyond her but it wasn't until they arrived to Wal-Mart and she actually looked at the list that she realized they had an additional fifty-nine other items to find and purchase as well. "There can't be more than twelve kinds of shampoo for blondes!"

"Yeah, remind me to go kill the makers of these shampoos when we finish..." Kohana mumbled while reading the list, "Okay, Deidara says that he likes the kind that smells like mango and also has built in conditioner...Herbal Essences if they have that."

Tenshi screamed. "THEY HAVE A MILLION KINDS OF SHAMPOO!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET A REGULAR KIND LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?!"

Kohana shrugged, "I'm not a blonde...maybe he wants to keep that color?"

Tenshi slapped her forehead and muttered some colorful words. After a few minutes of searching, they found the shampoo that Deidara had requested. "Now what's next?"

Kohana looked back at the list then looked up with a frown. "Itachi wants the same except for brunettes and he wants his to smell like apples..."

"GAAAH!!"

--

Hidan poured Tobi's grinded happy pills into Kakuzu's mixture of Full Throttle Blue Guava and blueberry fruit punch as Kakuzu set up the camcorder.

"Why are we doing this again?" Hidan asked sourly. He had been in the middle of a sacrificial prayer when Kakuzu busted into his room and told him about this crazy idea he had come up with.

"Itachi has fangirls. Deidara has fangirls. Kisame needs fangirls. Sasori...also has fangirls." He set the camera down. "If we can get them all doing something humiliating on camera and post it for others to see...we could make money off of them!" Kakuzu wanted to pat himself on the back for being so cunning. Hidan stared at him, his left eye slightly twitching with rage.

"You are so--"

"Ah. Don't finish that thought. Now, come on. We have to hurry before the girls get back." He grabbed some plastic cups and motioned for Hidan to grab the pitcher of...juice.

In the living room, Kisame had managed to get Itachi to calm down and watch Dora the Explorer with Tobi. Sasori and Deidara were sitting down on opposite sides of the coffee table arguing about the different styles of art while playing poker. Deidara desperately needed to brush up on his skills.

"I made a new drink!" Kakuzu held up cups. "I need to test it before I try to get it marketed."

They all looked at him.

"Tobi wants to try it!!" Tobi jumped up and held out his hand for a cup. Hidan looked at Kakuzu and Kakuzu nodded. If Itachi had taken the wrong meds then so did Tobi...and they could NOT afford for that little monster to mess up the plan by pulling out his battle axe. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but definitely not today. Hidan still hadn't recovered fully from that last attack.

Tobi was given a cup and sat back down, sipping politely as if he would disturb Dora should he sip any louder. The others waited a few minutes to see if Tobi would die before agreeing to sample the drink. Sasori was the most reluctant since he's usually the one to make drinks and then try to get the others to sample it. Having once been a bartender, he was very good at mixing all sorts of drinks. He had once tricked poor Kohana into drinking something he made and named "Sex Me Down"...Nonetheless, she almost (or may have) broken the anti-procreation rule...

Hidan and Kakuzu waited to see how they would react.

"Hey! This is pretty good. What's in it?" Sasori nodded taking another sip.

"Full Throttle Blue Guava and blueberry punch. I was thinking of adding alcohol but I wasn't sure how it would...react with the energy drink." Kakuzu had almost spilled the beans on his plan but managed to save himself. He wasn't sure how the medication would react to alcohol so he decided not to chance it.

Deidara chugged the cup and set the cup down, "More, yeah!"

Hidan put the pitcher down. "I am not your damned maid...they left."

Deidara didn't argue but instead poured more, twice as much as he was given the first time. All of them began pouring their own refills and by the time it was all gone, Kisame had drank five cups, Deidara had drank seven, Sasori had drank four, Zetsu had drank six and Orochimaru had drank three cups.

"Um...Orochimaru? When the hell did you get in here?" Sasori asked looking at the pale man.

"I came in about ten minutes ago." He tossed the rest of his drink back. "That's pretty good."

"Wait...why are you here, yeah?" Deidara stood slowly then fell into a fit of giggles as the room swayed slightly. "Whooooooa!"

Hidan and Kakuzu watched at the men slowly dissolved into mushy little Tobi's. Kakuzu grinned evilly and rubbed his hands together. "Show time!"

It had been nearly forty-five minutes since they had first entered the store. Kohana and Tenshi had finally made it to the checkout line...only to be disappointed.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" She yelled, eyes turning gold.

Kohana's eyes widened with panic. "Tenshi, not here. You'll freak out the customers!"

Tenshi closed her eyes and frowned hard. "I don't care! How can they have over twenty-five lanes and they ALL be occupied with more than four customers each??"

Kohana smiled sadly and shrugged. "It IS Wal-Mart after all..."

--

Hidan put the set up Kohana's laptop on the kitchen table since it was the closest flat surface that was at the right distance to set up her webcam and play the music.

"Ready guys?" Kakuzu stood next to Hidan. They all nodded happily and Hidan started the music.

"I am a superstar with a big big house and a big big car,  
I am a superstar and I don't care who you are.  
I am a superstar with a big big house and a big big car,  
I am a superstar and I don't care who you are..."

They all sang and danced around in what some would classify as pure chibi form.

"Superstar!" Deidara, Sasori, and Zetsu popped into the screen then disappeared and returned to the background to dance rave style.

Itachi grabbed a whisk from the kitchen and pretended he was singing into a microphone. "Got many money honey, I'm a superstar. My life is funny honey, Have you seen my car? I know a lot of people, I'm a superstar; everybody knows me, right from near."

"I got a plane--" Kisame jumped in.

"I got a plane." Itachi echoed.

"I love the fame--"

"I love the fame."

"You know my name--"

"You know my name."

"And I just want you to know." They both started jumping around like total nutcases.

Hidan and Kakuzu watched as all seven of the men ran about the living room singing and dancing as if they would die tomorrow. Might as well live it up...

--

Kohana parked the van and sighed. How was she supposed to know that the inspection sticker had gone out on the damned thing? Kisame was supposed to keep that stuff updated. When she got inside, she was gonna let that blue idiot have it.

"Kohana?" Tenshi whispered. Kohana looked up and her jaw dropped. There were strobe lights of all colors flashing inside the house and she could clearly hear Toybox's "Superstar" playing loudly.

She and Tenshi ran to the door and opened it. Seeing Hidan with her laptop and webcam then seeing seven grown men dance around like children...it was too much. Tenshi turned when she heard a thud and saw Kohana out cold on the floor. Her eyes turned gold. "Someone is going to pay for me going through PURE HELL in Wal-mart!" She rolled up her sleeves.

Needless to say, Itachi wasn't a superstar anymore after that...

--

Kakuzu managed to redesign the video to make it even more embarrassing. He managed to make money off of it until someone stole the video and then uploaded it as their own. Now there are millions of "Itachi the Superstar" videos on YouTube.

Kakuzu learned the value of copy rights.


	8. Attempted Anger Managing

**Attempted Anger Managing**

"Hannah Montana is so pretty, Tenshi-sempai." Tobi blushed watching the girl prance about on the TV. Tenshi rolled her eyes but nodded silently, hoping to cease any further conversation as she really didn't feel like talking. So far her day had been pretty eventful. Kohana had to take Itachi to his 10:30 morning psych evaluation for an update on his medicine.

No sooner had those two left, Deidara and Hidan got into a physical fight in the bathroom over hair mousse and a brush. At the moment, she was contemplating how she could successfully blame the burn marks from a fire that had been left on the walls in the upstairs hallway. She originally thought to blame Tobi but when Kohana left he had been glued to Hannah. Of course, since Deidara actually had been involved, it wouldn't be too much to stretch the truth a little to explain it all away. With those two unconscious, there would be no one to dispute it.

So far so good. Poor Kohana wasn't able to command half the control of the men that she could. Maybe she should be put in charge? The thought had merit...until Tenshi realized that with her short fuse, the headquarters would be nothing more than a pile of ash and she would be the only one left to represent the Akatsuki...

"YOU CAN'T HOG THE TABLE ALL DAY, SASORI!"

"WHAT DO YOU NEED IT FOR ANYWAY?!"

"TO COUNT MY MONEY!"

"DO IT ON THE FLOOR!"

"WHY SHOULD I USE THE DIRTY FLOOR?!"

"I don't think it will make much of a difference seeing as you look like you just climbed out of your coffin today and seem to avoid the shower religiously."

"YOU STUPID SONNOFA--"

"IF I HAVE TO COME IN THERE, ONE OF YOU WILL LOSE THEIR HEAD AND THE OTHER WILL LOSE THEIR ASS. DO YOU WANT TO DECIDE WHO WILL LOSE WHAT BEFORE I GET UP?!"

The reply was pure and total silence.

Tenshi sighed and leaned back. Sometimes it was appealing to just blow the whole place to hell. Another episode of Hannah Montana came and went. _'Geez. Just how mental is Itachi?'_

Kisame bounded down the hall, flew down the stairs, hopped over the rail and landed with a earth shaking thud near the end of the couch. "I need the TV!"

Tobi looke at him blankly before turning back to Hannah. "People in hell need ice water."

Tenshi snickered as Kisame's face scrunched up. "But Shark Week's starting today! I could see my parents on TV!"

Tenshi blinked a few times. "So...you're not human?"

"Yes! I just don't know what they look like...or could look like..."

"I was here first, Kisame-san. You'll have to wait your turn like Kohana-sempai asked." Tobi pointed to the schedule poseted on the wall near the TV. He still had an hour left.

"Gah! But I could miss them!"

"I said no."

"Kisame, it isn't like there will be a flashing notice across the screen stating that they're your parents and they're looking for you." Tenshi noted.

"Fine then." Kisame huffed and marched over to the TV.

"Well just ignore the voice of--_Kisame you wouldn't dare_--" Tenshi began to stand up on the couch. He ignored her and bent down to bear hug the TV. Tobi's eye widened as Kisame lifted it up off its stand, ripping the plug out of the socket.

"I'll just...watch it in my room." Kisame grunted, turning towards the stairs. The cord somehow wrapped around one of his legs, causing him to stumble.

"Baka! Watch what you're--"

But it was too late. He began to fall forward and landed on top of the TV, smashing it into thousands of tiny pieces. The crash attracted all of the males in the household. Kisame rolled off of the mess, holding his ribs. "Ow..."

"I told you to leave it alone, moron." Tenshi said, peeking into the living room from the kitchen, eyes darting from the shattered TV to the eerily silent Tobi.

"What the hell, yeah?!" Deidara was the first to complain. "How will I watch my soap operas?"

"It was an accident!" Kisame exclaimed picking glass out of his forearm.

"HOW WILL I KEEP UP WITH THE STOCK MARKET?!" An already pissed Kakuzu filed in with Sasori on his heels.

"A-C-C-I-D-E-N-T!!!"

"HOW WILL I WATCH CSI: MIAMI?!" Sasori all but screamed.

"_I DON'T WATCH TV BUT I WANT TO YELL TOO_!" Hidan joined in.

"Kisame-san..."

Everyone turned slowly to look at the masked little good boy sitting on the couch, looking down at his hands. "Kisame-san, you killed Hannah."

"....I did what now?" Kisame scratched his head and stood up slowly.

Tobi stood up and Tenshi bolted for the door, screaming about a "good boy gone mad."

"Tobi-san?" Deidara eyed him carefully.

"Since the magic box that held my precious Hannah's life is destroyed, it's only fair that you all join her." He moved over to the fireplace which had the battle axe Leader used for his walk on role of "Xena: Warrior Princess" mounted over it. It was only after he had snatched the thing down off the wall as if it were nothing more than a daisy in a field that lightbulbs clicked on, understanding what the deranged man meant to do with it.

And they scattered like roaches.

Tobi let out a battle cry that Xena would have been proud of and took off, catching and hacking away at Kisame's petrified form. Once Kisame stopped twitching, his eyes scanned the room and he took off after his next target.

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

"That doctor doesn't have one fucking iota of a clue of what the hell he's talking about." Itachi spat struggling with seat belt. "I'm not fucking blind and I'm not fucking bipolar!"

Kohana reached over and quickly pressed the red button for him, outraging him and causing him to slap at her hand wildly with both of his own.

"I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!" He yelled. "I'M NOT A DAMNED BABY!"

Before Kohana could respond, someone ran smack into her door screaming, coating the window with blood before sliding down unconscious. She and Itachi clung to each other (with her in Itachi's lap from trying to get away from the window) screaming until the person had stopped screaming. "Who the hell was that?!"

_**THUD!**_

Both heads whipped around to find Tenshi crouching down on the hood of the car, white hair blowing wildly in the approaching storm's violent winds, red eyes dark and omnious. "You don't want to go in there."

"W-why not?" Kohana asked slipping out of Itachi's lap.

"Kisame broke the TV...and Tobi lost it."

Kohana gasped and opened Itachi's door, climbing over him and out of the car. "Tell me Hannah wasn't on."

Tenshi only nodded.

"DAMN!" Kohana started to run to the front door.

Itachi got out of the car and went to the other side. "Ha!" He pointed and did a little jig, pointing to Deidara's half-chopped up form. "Hot people don't allow non-hot people to make them un-hot like them. Baka."

Tenshi ignored the Mega Baka and looked at the house. "It's a good thing that everyone's damn near immortal..."


	9. Dear Foolish Little Brother

Dear Foolish Little Brother,

I want you to know that I'm not writing to you just to chat, but because it's come down to either I write to myself in some girly little diary or to someone who will actually write back. Hopefully, the hatred within you towards me will drive you to respond.

Let hatred guide your pen,  
Itachi

_Itachi,_

I only want to know how the hell you managed to find me. We change secret locations every week. There's no way you'd be able to find me.

Piss off,  
Sasuke

Dear Foolish Little Brother,

Orochimaru never mentioned that he used to be a part of our organization? Of course I would know where to find some of his "secret" locations. That and your chakra is very familiar to me. Today, as I contemplated killing Tobi and Deidara again, I kept thinking of how I killed our family. Looking back on it, I guess it was wrong. To leave you all alone with those dipsticks of the Hidden Leaf was immoral. I should have taken you with me. Together we could have made a kickass team, don't you think? I kept picturing how easily Mother was slain and our pathetic excuse of a father attempted to protect her. If you want, I can dig up her corpse and give her hand to you. I know how close you were to her.

Also, I do feel a bit bad for our brief reunion in which Jiraiya interrupted. It was wrong of him to disturb our bonding. I'm still a bit amazed at how my touch put you to sleep so quickly. Regret. That is what I feel now when I look back on our past.

Remember to scream out "Stranger Danger!" if Orochimaru gets too close,  
Itachi

_Itachi,_

No, he never mentioned being a part of your tree house club. Knowing this makes me rethink the whole decision of letting him train me. I can't be trained by someone who was once a part of anything you were or are a part of. As far as the chakra thing, that idea never dawned on me. Surely that means I can find you without Oreo's help.

What the fuck is a Tobi? Or a Deidara for that matter?

As far as your act of murdering our family, I don't care how much regret you feel now. I will kill you. Period. I don't appreciate the jokes either you sick turd.

May you accidentally cut off an arm or two,  
Sasuke

Dear Foolish Little Brother,

I didn't get to finish all of your last letter. I was reading it aloud when Tobi heard his name and dived on me. Of course, since he invaded my personal bubble, a fight ensued and the letter was torched. A Tobi is torture in human form that you cannot kill due to rules set up by our Leader and enforced by an appointed assistant who has no problem threatening to stop brushing your hair or painting your nails for you. What's worse is that she came from our former village as well. I vaguely remember the girl, Kohana. Maybe her name rings a bell to you? Also there is a new member named Arai who is the Third's granddaughter. Surely you saw her around before you defected?

Any information you have on these two would be very helpful.

Itachi

_Itachi,_

The Sarutobi chick has weird eyes, right? I heard she had a crush or something on Shikamaru. Right after Orochimaru's attack on the Leaf she defected to hunt him down for revenge. Chances are, if she's there with you, she's only using you all to find the Snake man. I'll let him know she's looking for him. Kohana? It does ring a bell. Kurama. That's all I wish to tell you for now.

Tobi sounds like my kind of guy! Tell him to keep up the good work!

Glad to hear you're tortured,  
Sasuke

Dear Foolish Little Asshole,

I fail to see what part of that was actually funny. Maybe I should send Tobi to spend time with you all. Then again, I don't want the good Idiot to be brutally ass raped by your "Sensei" and his goo goo little sidekick. Besides you may feel a bit left out.

On second thought...it would be nice if you came to spend a day or so with us. Life with the Akatsuki isn't as bad as the commercial Kakuzu came up with made it out to be. There are three chicks here that are a little like maids. Well, Ko-chan is more of a maid than the other two. Tenshi and Arai are more like the guards of a prison that suck all the fun out of everything.

I wanted you to know that I plan on moving out sometime within the next few years. Maybe once you get over what I did you can come visit? If you really mean it, I don't mind allowing you to come live with me. Too much exposure to Orochimaru can kill off all your brain cells. I think that's why Sasori has a blow up doll of Deidara...

Moving on is good for you,  
Itachi

_Itachi,_

_Quality time with my nii-san** without**__ being able to kill him? That's like me getting Sakura pregnant. It's an abomination to mankind! Now coming up there to see exactly what life is like in your tree house club sounds okay. Can any of your maids make a nice omelet?_

Quality time with my nii-san

Seriously tired of ramen and rice cakes,  
Sasuke

Poor Foolish Little Brother,

Ramen and rice cakes?! Is that all he feeds you? You must look absolutely...skinny. You used to fat you know. When you were a baby, I used to poke at your flab and watch it bounce back like jello. I once even asked Mother if you were all the fat she ever had in form of a human and got grounded for a week. Also, your middle name is Hubert. I meant to tell you that a long time ago but it keeps slipping my mind. Huzzah! Writing things down actually help clear out the old memory bank.

On a more serious note, if he's not feeding you, I urge you to come to visit and make a decision on which "tree house club" is more suitable for you. At least then you can get something good to eat. The girls are tolerable. Since you aren't a member you'd be permitted to kill a certain good boy for me.

Come join us, little brother. We have milk and M&M cookies.

Itachi


	10. My Beloved Veronica

**My Beloved Veronica**

My beloved Veronica

Oh how I love thee

The way you swim about

Quite simply pleases me!

I sprinkle a few bits

Of food into your bowl

I watch you suck in the little pieces

And it touches my soul

I tap the glass

And you swim to my finger

I can almost feel your wet lips

And the coldness of the glass lingers

We play your favorite game

I put a gummy work on a small pole

And we roleplay that I'm the fisherman

That game never gets old

I hear someone call my name

So I leave to see what's the matter

Is it Kohana or Itachi?

I find out it's the latter.

It's seems like forever that I'm gone

But it was only a few hours into the night

I rush back to continue playing with you

And immediately see something isn't right

The pole has been moved

There's water everywhere

Your bowl is empty

I can't find you anywhere!

I tear up the house

Checking every single spot

Yet I don't find you

My stomach's now in a knot!

I ask every single person

No one has a clue

My eyes water

As I think of and miss you

I wander into the kitchen

to find Zetsu at the cooking

I peek over his shoulder

and I see that it's you he's cooking!

"Not again!" I scream.

He tries to explain but I draw my sword and swing

Bits of cabbage and lettuce fly through the air

As I realize that our relationship was so short it was only a fling

No other goldfish will compare

To my sweet beloved....Veronica


	11. Akatsuki Vs WalMart 513

**Akatsuki vs Wal-mart # 513**

The phone rang. Kohana was too busy pulling gum out of Tobi's hair in the kitchen. The headquarters had been vacated with the exception of the new found gum chewer, their "baby-sitter", and the red-eyed one. Itachi was seated next to the phone watching Kill Bill Vol. 1, effectively ignoring the phone's furious rings. Finally it stopped and the voice mail alert went off a minute later.

"Who was it, Itachi?" Kohana came in. "Did you look at the Caller ID?"

"Although she looks weird in the face, Uma Thurman is _hot_ in the yellow jumpsuit." Itachi nodded, agreeing with his own statement. "No, I didn't look at the Caller ID."

Kohana sighed. "Thank you." She pressed the play button for the voice mail.

"_Hello. This is Jonathan Summers, store manager of Wal-mart number 513. In addition to your forced removal from our store Wednesday, I'm banning you from the store as well. Many of our employees do not wish to see you return, as well as our customers, and most if not all of them now have emergency restraining orders against you. I'm sorry it came to this. Goodbye."_

The machine beeped and asked if Kohana would like to save the message. Unconsciously, she pressed yes. Hell, she wasn't surprised. She would have been surprised if they _hadn't_ banned them.


End file.
